I'm writing a book!

[Max452]

Ooo interesting! I like!

[Tismri]

Yay! Someone likes it! Hopefully the rest will be interesting enough to keep people reading it. It's a little different when you have to play all the characters. lol

[blodhgarm]

Yes it is good but I have a feeling you're a lot like me in the fact that you want a little info on what people are feeling.

Begining- This all starts out pretty slow and I think it needs to immerse us in why he's feeling this way. I mean a sudden nervousness is cool and then you explain the V guys but I think his anxiousness would be better if you put in facts on previous assasination attempts or something. You know give a little more back story on it.

Middle- The begining was slow but this was real fast. I mean it was quite a blur. First he's talking to the guard who don't even care that their king is acting a little paranoid and then they all go which is not right( at least one is supposed to stay), but then it jumps into the assasins attacking and what happens after. I mean it was a good seen but it was quite confusing.

The End- Nice. It was a little quicker than I would like but it made some sense. I guess it was all quite short and people are gonna be a little confused so they might wantt to read more especially if you make the begining more interesting. I know thier is some book out there that tells you hwo to make your book interesting in five pages or less.

[Max452]

I think it was fine, I mean, its a prologue right? So it doesn't need to give a huge back story or explain the characters at that moment, but rather, cause the reader to be intrigued and WANT to go on to the first chapter. But, I agree with Blod, you need to reword a few things in the middle, because it gets a little confusing when you switch from the King's perspective to the assassin's. Either than that, I liked it. You need to fix some grammar, but overall, I understood what was going on...and I am especially intrigued on the type of magic that the King is using. Good opening, in the sense of a prologue (if it was the first chapter, then I would add some more info on who's who and what's going on, but I think you already know that...).

[blodhgarm]

Yerp like Max said good but just needs a few touch ups.

[Tismri]

Yeah, I know it needs some work. And it was only a prolouge, which is why I didn't stick much back story in there. Kinda compare it to Eragon if you will. That one started out with no names, no explanation as to what a Shade was, or exactly what Urgals were, didn't explain what Arya was doing, etc.

Trust me, what I have on the actual book is going to need a ton of work. I'm going to have to make nearly every scene twice as long as it is right now, and stick in more conversation. But I'm glad y'all liked it. Whenever I finish the book (I'll probably let my mom, sister, and brother all edit it. lol), and it gets accepted by a publisher, I might try to send someone an autographed complimentary copy.

[Backabuth]

I think it's good. Good start and I can see it being a good prologue. It makes me want to see what the whole story is about, which is exactly what a prologue is supposed to do.

I agree with Max and Blod of how the part where the assassins come in needs some more detail and clarification, but that's expected. Just remember that every page you write will have mistakes. Some will be easy to fix and others you will have to totally redo it. Writing a story is extremely hard and a lot of work. But anyway. There's my little...uh...blerb.... Good though, Tismri. Nice start.

[Tismri]

Yeah, yeah, it'll take a ton of work. This is just the rough draft. And what I have past the prolouge is definately going to take a load of work. It's like, what I have so far kinda sucks in my opinion. I know I'm going to ask my sibs for some pointers. This is one of those occasions where I'm glad I'm the baby. They've already gone through the whole book-writing thing. Except my bro's still working on his. He's been working on it for...four? years and hasn't even gotten to the main plot yet!

[nerasa]

Yeah sometimes it does take a long time. It took me a little over four years to write it, write it up again, which the second draft was totally different then the first but the first draft actually was the skeleton of the second draft where there was the same stuff but different. Then editing it and finally publishing it. It is a lot of work but in the long run it is all worth it in the end and you will be exceptionally proud of yourself when its done and over with. I am and now I am currently starting my 2nd novel in the series and I am getting excited about writing it but it is going to take me some time before I am done with this one now and I don't even know the plot line yet for it but I have a few ideas. Actually....I just created it. Wow that was fast.

[Tismri]

Hey, everyone, just felt like giving you an update. I've gotten most of the first draft of my book written. I think it's coming along nicely; it's got an interesting plot to it. It's kind of short, though. And I'm definately going to have to go back and rewrite a good bit of it. And I'm busy plotting a sequel that will be a very special treat for y'all if it ever gets published. Many of you will probably recognize the storyline of the second book, though...well, I won't say any more. Don't want to ruin anything. lol.

[Tismri]

I felt like giving y'all another taste of my book. It's one of my favorite portions that was really fun to write. Enjoy!

“Welcome to Freia,” she told them. “As of this moment, you are recruits for the army of Ismalia. You are going to be trained in how to use weapons of war. If you cooperate, then this war will be over much sooner and you will be able to return to your homes. My name is Jeriah, and I am your first trainer.” She heard a murmur ripple through the crowd, the boys all staring at her even more intently that before.
“A lady’s going to train us?” she heard one of the closest boys say.
“Maybe fighting isn’t going to be as bad as we thought,” another said.
“I don’t know. She looks like she’s been in a battle. Look at that huge bandage on her forehead.”
“But she can’t possibly be training us.” Jeriah let them speculate about her for a moment or two. Then she smirked slightly.
“You’re all surprised, I know,” she said. “After all, I’m just a lieutenant. I’ve only been going into battle for two and a half years. How could I train a bunch of little boys?” She settled her eyes on the first one she had heard. He still looked skeptical. “Do you think you would be able to beat me in a duel?” She gestured to the rack of dulled training swords behind her. The boy was quiet for a second or two. Then another one said, “I’ll do it! I can beat you!” He was in the middle of the crowd. He had a cocky grin on his face as he stood up and walked up to her. Jeriah smiled and allowed him to come up to her.
“Well, then, pick your weapon.” He looked at the training swords. The first one he went for was the largest one. Of course, it was immensely heavy. He dropped it as soon as it was off the rack.
“You might want one that you can keep a hold of,” Jeriah said as she bent down and picked up the dropped weapon. It was really too heavy for anyone to carry into battle. She could hold it only long enough to put it back in its place, but to the boys who had never seen a sword before, the act looked effortless and she heard some soft oo’s and aahh’s, as well as some snickers at the boy’s expense. Jeriah stood and waited for him to find the right sword for him. He started testing the different swords, picking them up, weighing them, swinging them a few times. Jeriah knew he was trying just to find the biggest one he could hold. It was the way men seemed to think. Size tended to mean strength to them, especially when they were young.
As soon as he found the one he wanted, Jeriah picked hers out in an instant. It was almost exactly the same size and shape of her real battle sword, though it was slightly lighter. Then she turned to face him.
“What is your name?” she asked. In polite, civil society it was customary to know the name of your opponent.
“Cabuto,” the boy replied. He held his sword awkwardly, diagonally with the point down, resting on the ground almost. The only defense the position would be good for would be if Jeriah attempted to attack his legs. It seemed to her that he wasn’t taking this fight seriously.
“Well, Cabuto,” she said, raising her blade and taking a defensive stance, “I suggest you keep on your toes for this fight.” In an instant she rushed him, switching from defense to offense in the blink of an eye. The sword Cabuto had picked was too heavy for him to raise in time, and Jeriah’s blade was against his neck before it had moved more than a few inches. She smiled at him while he stared in astonishment.
“You would be dead right now,” she informed him coolly. “But how about we see who is best, two out of three? I’ll let you attack first this time.” She backed away from Cabuto to her original starting position, taking her stance again. Cabuto took a minute or two, staring at her, then seemed to give in to his frustration and charged at her, letting out a throaty yell that he seemed to equate to a battle cry. He lifted his sword and swung it at her head. Jeriah leaned back and avoided it easily, bringing up her sword to change the direction of his. She rested her other hand on the ground and kicked the boy’s legs out from under him so that he lay flat on his back, his sword lost and the wind nearly knocked out of him. Jeriah stood over him, one foot resting just next to his hand and her sword pointed at his heart. The position Cabuto was in reminded Jeriah of her last battle, when she had been knocked down and nearly killed.
“Your first lesson in battle tactics,” she said, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Never get over-confident. Don’t get cocky and underestimate your opponent. That is a sure way of getting yourself and your comrades killed.” She backed away and let Cabuto stand up. “One of the best things you can do now that you are here is make friends. You don’t want to get on the bad side of someone who has the choice of whether or not to save your life in battle.” She thought of Jerghen, who had saved her life on that battlefield, and Matthew, who had saved her countless other times, and of the times she had saved them as well. “You are no better or worse than the others. You are all comrades and allies, and you all need each other to survive this war. Never abandon them, never run away. If you do, you are even worse than the Vrentians who are trying to destroy our land. Remember that.” She sighed and glanced toward the sky for a moment, then looked back down at the young men gathered in the courtyard.
“That is all I have for you today. Training begins tomorrow. For now, you will be escorted to your living quarters to adjust to the new place.” She gestured toward Matthew, who came and stood by her side. “This is Matthew. He will lead you to your quarters. Follow him and do as he says. Dismissed.”

[Max452]

Haha I like it. Quick, but informative, as well as comical. Keep it up! =)

[Tismri]

Thanks, Max. I'm finished with the first draft, but there's some major editing that needs to be done, especially my two battle scenes. I really like it, though, and I'm glad you do, too.

[Tismri]

Here's the cover I photoshopped. Ismalia is only a temporary title, until I think of something better.



For some reason, the direct link isn't working. Here's the link to my profile. The cover is the red one with the gold dragon on.

s899.photobucket.com/albums/ac195/Firestar92/

[alcansorepublic]

It seems like a intresting story, hope you sell it
first note:
for my senior project, I did the Veteran History project for the Library of congress.

second note:
I'm also writing a book (well two) the first one is a fantasy. (13 pages in) and the second is a novel (Insane but Sane)it's about an intelligent high school senior back in 1968, who goes around killing guys who treat women like trash

And I'm typing them both on a 1969 Royal type writter.