Solace

[Tismri]

Teza Mae awoke, her teeth clamping down hard to prevent the scream from escaping. Her nightmare had been a confusing mix of all the things that had been tormenting her lately; her torture in Katriana's camp, and beyond that the memory of her trial. She could remember, plain as day, the sort of cruel person she'd turned into when she saw her life played out inside that tree. She wondered now if it might have been a foreshadowing. The pain she had gone through recently had started turning her into a more cynical and depressed person. She hoped she wouldn't turn into that cruel of a Queen Mother, though.
She shuddered and glanced around, panting and drenched in cold sweat. Nearby, Garrus lay snoozing. The princess noticed that it was much darker than she'd last remembered. She and Garrus must have fallen asleep. Teza Mae wasn't sure why she kept returning here. Somehow, it seemed to at once put her mind at ease and make her more troubled.
Teza Mae stood and stretched, then groaned as pain laced up along her arm, nearly blinding. Mentally, she cursed her Ismalian blood for making her unable to heal completely. She wished she could live without these constant reminders of the torment she had received because of her own stupidity.
She glanced at the setting sun for a moment or two before a thought crossed her mind. "Garrus, wake up! Aradan is going to be worried sick about us right now!" Of course by us she meant herself. Aradan knew Garrus could take care of himself, but Teza Mae felt as if he was watching over her all the time, trying to make sure she didn't break down mentally or physically. She very much appreciated him for it, but she hated to be worrying him so.

[Max452]

Aradan knelt down to the floor, eyeing the tracks that were Teza Mae's. It seemed like she and Garrus had run off again. He sighed. She shouldn't be doing that. Lucky for him, Veryan had a strong sense of smell and had followed Garrus' scent here. Aradan followed the trail until he spotted her. He let out a sigh of relief.
"Teza Mae, there you are." He gave her a small smile. "I got worried when you didn't show up for dinner; did you fall asleep again?" He teased her, though, was very worried that she had run off without telling them. He could still remember his argument with her brother Jason. He didn't want another one to occur, so it was best to hurry back before the twin noticed.

[Tismri]

Teza Mae gave Aradan a small smile as he appeared, at once feeling glad and nervous.
"Guilty," she admitted to his questioning. She gazed back through the wooded mountains. Although they had been changed for the test, she was good enough at tracking and recogizing the landscape to guess that this was very near the spot where that blasted tree stood. Had she been allowed to use magic at the time, she would have burned the thing to the ground. Still, she felt drawn to this place, unable to explain why.
She could immediately spot the worry in Aradan's eyes, and she felt guilty for it. She wished she wasn't so susceptible to falling asleep when she stayed relaxed for too long.
"Don't worry so much," she tried to reassure him, reaching out to grab his hand. "I won't do anything stupid like that again; I promise. And I told Jason that Garrus and I were going out."

[Max452]

Aradan simply nodded, his eyes studying Teza Mae's tensed face. "I know...I can't help but worry though." He replied honestly as he shuffled himself closer to her. "Garrus," Aradan addressed the dragon, but his eyes were unwavering from the Princess's own eyes. "Veryan says he's found a nice spot to hunt. Why don't you go and join him." The half elf's suggestion was not a question. He wanted some privacy with Teza Mae. She had seemed tense and nervous since they had returned to Bromsland and was worried that it was because of him somehow. He knew he was being overprotective, but he couldn't help it. A small part of him, feared that Teza Mae's horrors were causing a rift between them. If he could fix it somehow...he would do anything.

[Tismri]

Garrus gave a small snort, looking at Teza Mae for a moment. She gave a nod, sensing he was still hesitant, and he took off to join Veryan. Once they were alone, Teza Mae pulled herself closer to Aradan and put her head on his shoulder, hiding her frustrated expression from him.
"It's just infuriating, you know," she said quietly after a moment. "I'm never going to be able to forget or move on from this stupid mistake. I learned from it, but I'm going to have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life." She sighed, still angry with herself. "I find myself feeling as if it is too high a price."

[Max452]

Aradan welcomed Teza Mae's closeness; he placed his arms around her waist and his chin atop her head as she leaned against him. He listened quietly to her frustrations, wishing he could aleve them some how. He was glad, though, that she seemed willing to confide in him; maybe his deep worries were based on nothing. "But, Teza Mae, by learning from it, you have moved on." He whispered to her, gazing out into the woods. "Don't underestimate yourself; you possess a strength that not many have." His grip around her waist drew tighter, but not uncomfortable. "I...I know it's been hard for you, but, I'm here for you; let me share your burden. You can always talk to me. I...I may not be very eloquent with my words, but, I'm always here for you. So...so don't you feel like you're alone okay?" His lips ushered out, pouring out his feelings to her. "You mean a lot to me, Teza Mae," He tilted his head back, so he could meet her gaze, "I want you to know that." He told her.

***
Roland stared out of the Council's tower, overlooking the beautiful landscape. "I think, it is time for some of the Riders and warriors here to go forth into Aegleasia." He turned around to half face his speaking companion. "The war is fully breaking forth; we need to send in reinforcements." His one good eye continued to survey the view. "I fear though, that they do not have adequate training, but the world needs them. Wryda is hardpress to make them grow prematurely." He sighed. "I only hope that many will remember their lessons and hearts in order to conquer this great evil." He finally allowed his companion the pleasure of seeing his good eye completely, not just the scorched skin of his right eye. "Whom do you suggest we send forth this time, fricai?"

[Tismri]

Teza Mae took Aradan's comforting touch and words thankfully. She was so glad he was always there to lend her strength when she needed it. She sensed that ever since her torture, he had been feeling conflicted about something. She hoped her impulsive mistake hadn't driven a sort of wedge between them. But, when she thought about it, she realized that it had done so. It put a sort of barrier between herself and everyone she loved. She'd caused her loved ones so much pain and fear and sorrow. She regretted it, but felt as if she was unable to make up for it.
More than that, she still felt unsettled in her mind. When Katriana had uncerimoniously returned her to her parents, the Shade had done something to her. She'd left a message for them to hear once she was healed, and Teza Mae could still feel whatever that was lurking within her mind. It brought up terrible memories and thoughts, depression in waking hours and nightmares during sleep. However, not wanting to worry her loved ones anymore, she said nothing about it. She wanted to deal with this on her own, feeling that if she defeated this demon, she would grow as a Rider and a princess.
"You mean a lot to me, too, Aradan," she whispered to him, holding him tightly. She sagged in his arms a little and grimaced in pain as her left leg suddenly stopped supporting her for a moment. After she recovered, she slightly loosened her hold on Aradan, but didn't let go. She gave a deep sigh before releasing him.
"Before I came here...before that stupid survival test, I never doubted anything about my life. I knew how everything was going to turn out. I hoped I'd become a Rider, but my plans didn't exclusively hinge upon it. I would come of age and marry, and then take my place as Queen Mother. I would be a just, fair, and kind ruler and be loved by my people, and we wouldn't experience war, either against nations or among our royal family. Everyone would love and adore me.
"But now, after that trial and my stupid mistake...I don't know if I'm fit to rule at all, or if I'll ever be." She glanced away from Aradan and stared up at the familiar mountain, the memory of her horrific trial returning to her mind; she'd still never really discussed it with anyone, trying to forget the memory as well as she could. But now it seemed to never leave her mind.

[Max452]

Aradan listened as Teza Mae spoke of her ailments. It pained him to hear her doubt herself as she did. He wondered what to say - what to do. It seemed unrealistic, her first vision of herself; an innocent idealism. He thought for a moment longer. "Do you think you're Mother to be a great Queen Mother?" Aradan quietly asked Teza Mae, wondering if this path was going to get her angry at him. Perhaps it was worth it if in the end she saw how great her potential was.

[Tismri]

Teza Mae paused for a moment at Aradan's unexpected question. She was unsure why he was bringing up her mother in this.
"Of course I think she's a great Queen Mother," she replied to him. "She is fierce and strict when she needs to be, and kind and merciful when she doesn't. She is one of the most eloquent speakers I've ever heard. I know some of our people resented her dragging us into the war with Alagaesia, but she gave them very clear reasons as to why it needed to be done. And now we have gained a formidable ally. She's perhaps the greatest ruler Ismalia has ever had."

[Max452]

Again, Aradan listened quietly as Teza Mae passionately described her mother. "Aye, she is one of the best." He agreed. "She has done what many must have thought impossible at the time, but as you say, she was able to do it." He pulled himself back a bit so that he could look at Teza Mae in the eyes. "I doubt that she accomplished all that she has so easily; she had to undergo many trials and opposition." Aradan paused, hesitate to continue, but knowing he must. "Even her physical ailment has not stopped her from ruling." He whispered. "Do you know think so?"

[Tismri]

Teza Mae hesitated, listening to Aradan's words. She appreciated what he had to say about her mother, glad he thought highly of her. When he brought up the subject of physical ailments, however, she visibly, though almost imperceptibly, tensed. She felt defensive and aprehensive. Is that all Aradan thought this was about? Of course, it was the most obvious cause, but how she looked and felt physically was the least of her problems. After all, her deformities were not directly her fault. She could suffer through the trauma, albeit grudgingly. Her main problem was her mentality, her thoughts and actions. Her problem was with her impulsive decision-making, without thinking through the flaws of her hasty plans. But did he understand that? Would he ever? No. He couldn't. He didn't know what she was thinking and feeling. So why did he think he could be an expert on this?
Teza Mae desperately tried to reign in her wild, accusing thoughts. She knew it was the influence of that creature in her mind, that solitary spirit that alone was not enough to possess her, but more than able to torment her constantly. She shouldn't be thinking of Aradan like that. He cared about her. In her heart, she knew he loved her, and she loved him as well.
It all took a few moments to process through her mind, and she hoped her emotions didn't show on her face. She didn't want him thinking she was angry with him. Still, she had to admit, the question did irritate her to some degree.
"No," she said, restricting a tremble in her voice. "Her missing arm does not impair her ability to rule. If anything, it has strengthened her." She glanced around, looking for an excuse to get out of this uncomfortable conversation, preferably without hurting Aradan's feelings.
"It's...it's getting late. We should head back to town before Jason starts getting worried."

[Max452]

Aradan gently pulled away from Teza Mae and gave her a small nod. "Okay." He told her, hiding the frown that wanted to form. He did not miss the angry look that had appeared on her face. He had misspoke and now, she was angry with him. Her obvious attempt to return to Jason solidified his thought process. Not knowing what else to say, as he wasn't good with words in the first place, Aradan simply led Teza Mae back to her quarters, where Jason was expected to be. Having heard that most girls, when angry, desired space, Aradan obliged Teza Mae the same courtesy. He remained quiet throughout their journey back and when he stood at her door, he gave her a polite smile. "Good night, Teza Mae." He whispered and then turned to leave so that he could find Veryan. He didn't know what else to do...what else to say. The rift he felt between himself and Teza Mae seemed like a chasm now...and it was his fault...always his fault. Everyone close to him seemed to ill-fated for something...his parents a prime example. Shaking off his morbid thoughts, he parted.

[Tismri]

Teza Mae walked back to her residence with Aradan in silence. She tried to think of something to say, anything. She knew that despite her efforts, she had hurt him. She had driven him away when she wanted nothing more than to be close with him. But every time she opened her mouth to speak, no words would come out. Not an apology, not an explanation, not even a subject change. She found that she was unable to even say good night to him before he left.
She walked in a sort of half-daze to her bed and laid down, staring at the ceiling. Her snooze in the forest prevented her from falling asleep now and escaping her current feelings. She curled around, burying her face in her pillow, crying and screaming at once.
I'm so worthless, she thought, the spirit that was the messenger whispering the venomous words into her mind. I am a failure as a princess and a Rider. A disgrace to my family.
Aradan...why did you leave? I didn't want that. I want you to hold me. To tell me that everything is all right. Just tell me you love me again, and that I have some worth.
You left me alone. You don't care for me at all, do you? You want to be as far away from me as possible. You despise me. Hate me.
I love you, Aradan. Come back.
You abandoned me. I hate you.

Princess... The strong, quiet voice of Garrus broke through the storm of her whirling thoughts as the dragon landed outside her window, resting his head on the sill. Be at peace, now. I love you; hold onto that truth. Teza Mae felt her body slowly relax as she stared into those ruby eyes, while her mind quieted enough for her to think on other things until she once again fell asleep.

[Max452]

OOC: Oooo I have forgotten how it is to write a stupid boy...hehehe

Morning came too quickly for the half-elf Rider; he had barely slept through the night. His conversation with Teza Mae gnawed upon him. He desperately wanted to help her, but only did not know how. He knew he had botched the conversation last night when he mentioned her mother and her physical limitation. He groaned into his pillow as a shamed feeling erupted in his gut. He was such an idiot. Why was it that whenever he tried to help her, that he would fail miserably? He could never imagine what she was going through and certainly felt ill equipped. His time piece blared, forcing him to fully arise for the new day. Aradan slammed his fist against the clock, effectively silencing it. He then went about preparing himself for the day, all the while, wondering what he could do to fix the rift that had come between Teza Mae and himself.

Aradan spent the morning half of his day idly listening to his instructors. His thoughts were still preoccupied with his lover and what he could do. Veryan was of no help as he stated that the young half-elf knew her better than he did, but did assure his Rider that Teza Mae desired for him to be at her side; they just needed to talk. Aradan wasn't so sure; the last talk with Teza Mae flew into his mind. He had completely spoken the wrong thing to her. How could he convey his feelings for her? How could he let her know that he would be here for her...even...even if she no longer wanted him? The last thought sent a disgusting spiral in his chest.

Maybe you two should go camping together? You two have not done so since she had left; perhaps it would be good for you both? Veryan offered as he felt the doubts and fears of his rider. The young dragon knew what Aradan truly thought - that he believed that Teza Mae blamed him for her condition in some way. It was a foolish notion, but one that laid at the foundation of his fears, and so, the black dragon thought it best that the two should actually spend some time together - to communicate properly in a calmer and less overbearing setting.

Aradan was quite taken with the idea that upon the end of his lecture, he immediately sought Teza Mae out. Once he did find her, he gathered his courage and ignored the awkward tensions between them as he quietly shared his request. "Would you like to go camping with me tonight?" He asked her.

[Tismri]

Teza Mae woke the next morning feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time. Her mind was clear, her heart beat evenly. She sat up and stretched carefully, trying not to trigger any painful spasms. The sunlight streaming through the window was soft and even a bit warm for the time of year. Everything held the promise of being a beautiful day.
And yet, she still felt empty. She remembered the silence of the night before, the awkward tension that had arisen between her and Aradan. The tumultuous thoughts from the night before returned to her, although the perspective of the morning helped her to realize the foolishness of them.
Good morning, princess, Garrus called to her from his morning flight. She sensed his surprise when she responded in kind.
Good morning, Garrus. She stood and dressed before going to attend her classes of the day. For the first time in a long while, she actively paid attention to the teaching, even writing notes for future reference.
After the class was over, she was going to take her midday meal when she was suddenly met by Aradan. When she caught sight of him, he nearly took her breath away, his handsome features every bit as charming as the day she'd met him, in spite of her blurred and reddened vision in her left eye. How long had it been since she'd last truly looked at him? Too long, she felt.
She was surprised by his abrupt question, but a smile was soon to follow. Camping was something she missed. They hadn't gone out together for a long time; maybe that had something to do with the rift that had opened up between them.
"I would love to," she replied to him, her smile remaining. She hesitated a moment, then told him, "Thank you for asking me."